“Can I…?”: A Japanese Habit that Confused the Dutch

It’s been almost 3 weeks since I left Japan and moved to the Netherlands.

That happened when I was about to use the oven in my Dutch family’s house. I noticed some leftover pastry inside, apparently left by my father-in-law. He was reading in the same dining room, so I did what felt completely natural to me. “Mag ik dit even opzij?(Can I move this aside for a moment?)”

However, he stared at me with a little surprise and said, “Of course, but you don’t need to ask for such matters. Otherwise it can come across a bit strange.”

“Wait, what? Asking permission is weird?” As a Japanese person, this made no sense.

Another example comes up with my Dutch husband. When I need to go to the bathroom while hanging out together, I tend to ask him, “Can I go to the bathroom?” He always finds it funny and bizarre.

The funny thing is ─ I’m not really asking for permission since the answer is often crystal-clear: YES.  What I’m actually doing is taking the other person’s will into consideration. To me, that’s niceness and respect for other people. Yet, to many Dutch people, it appears to be simply not necessary.

That’s when I realized we weren’t disagreeing about manners. We were not on the same page about what politeness and respect are. In Japan, respect often means checking with others before acting, like “I don’t want to inconvenience you, so I’ll ask first.” I guess in the Netherlands, respect often means trusting others to act on their own judgment.

Even now, I still find myself asking my husband, “Hey, can I go to the bathroom?” Every time, I know well that I don’t need permission. Yet as someone grown up in Japan, it still feels strange not to ask…

What do you think?

Musu

Japanese Blogger

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A Japanese flexitarian, based in Japan and the Netherlands.
Centered around well-being, I share Japanese plant-based recipes, cross-cultural stories, and ideas for a wholesome, peaceful, intentional life.
Mainly writing in English and Dutch.